magicalmillyhttps://fediverse.blog/@/magicalmilly/atom.xml2019-04-10T01:00:27.289947+00:00<![CDATA[New Life Goals]]>https://fediverse.blog/~/WhatAmI/new-life-goals/2019-04-10T01:00:27.289947+00:00magicalmillyhttps://fediverse.blog/@/magicalmilly/2019-04-10T01:00:27.289947+00:00<![CDATA[<p>I've made a lot of life goals lately.</p>
<p>I've moved across the country and have a goal to be more involved in my community.</p>
<p>I've also decided to start back up my videos about the Bible that I used to do in college.</p>
<p>I've ALSO decided to start up an advice channel on YouTube.</p>
<p>AND I've decided that I want to run for a political office in the future.</p>
<p>And... they're all related.</p>
<p>Why?</p>
<p>Because of my most recent hero and inspiration de jour, Pete Buttigieg.</p>
<p>If you've been paying attention to the early US Presidential race news, you may have heard of him. He's the mayor of South Bend, Indiana, which is a city in northern Indiana and home to Notre Dame.</p>
<p>So.... why has he affected me so much as of late?</p>
<p>He's running for president. He's 37, he's the child of an immigrant, he's openly gay and married, and yet he is also Christian. He's very progressive. And he honestly cares.</p>
<p>"Okay cool? But like, why does that inspire you so much?"</p>
<p>The main things that have been inspiring me about him are 1) that he is so community focused and is doing everything, including a presidential run, to try and improve his home town. and 2) that he is queer and Christian and is tired of the Right having the monopoly on faith.</p>
<p>So. Back to my list of things I'm doing.</p>
<p>I have moved back to my family's hometown. I was born here. I grew up across the country, but I was born here. The house I am in, in fact, was built by my great, great grandfather for my great, great grandmother. It has been in the family ever since. And, now it is my turn. I want to dive into this community that meant so much to my whole family. I was to learn more about it and in turn give back. I want to help shape this small town into a place that will grow and sustain and continue to shape my family. Up to and including running for political office.</p>
<p>I've also started that advice channel for that same thing, to help shape and grow and give back to my online communities. In today's age, everyone has an online community in conjunction to their physical surroundings, and I want to figure out ways to foster and grow that as well.</p>
<p>And, to the second point...</p>
<p>I am queer. And very religious. And I've always been quiet about one or the other wherever I am. In queer circles, the Religious Right has destroyed religion for most people. In religious circles, you have to be a Red blooded Republican or you get kicked out. It's been very hard to find a common ground. Especially since the two make a ton of sense combined in my head. And so, I've started back up my Bible channel to help push that overton window over. Retake religion from the Right, just like Pete says is his goal. I'm tried of people who are Leftist being ridiculed for partaking in faith. And I'm tired of any group of people saying that they have ownership of faith and the only correct way.</p>
<p>And so, this is how I fight back. By showing that I am capable of interpreting the Bible in sensible ways, and showing that they are actually pretty in line with Leftist ideology. And pushing others to act out the faith as lined out in the Bible and seeing that it isn't that crazy to think that the two can go together.</p>
<p>Here's the Bible Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmE83NVBbsQpNRT0oQFYGUA/</p>
<p>Here's the Advice Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCgkpNExlRFftby-ycfUxGsg/</p>
<p>I'm leaving those there for in case you care to look at them.</p>
<p>But yeah, those are my future goals, and they've honestly all been spurred on because of the actions and bravery of one Midwestern gay man, Mayor Pete.</p>
<p><3 you all.</p>
]]><![CDATA[Last Week Home]]>https://fediverse.blog/~/WhatAmI/last-week-home/2019-03-17T23:48:47.297315+00:00magicalmillyhttps://fediverse.blog/@/magicalmilly/2019-03-17T23:48:47.297315+00:00<![CDATA[<p>So, I'm moving in the next 2/3 days.</p>
<p>It's weird.</p>
<p>End of story, it's weird. It's hard to think of another way to put it.</p>
<p>A lot of people have been asking me lately how it feels to be moving. I haven't been able to answer them. I still can't, to be honest. I know it's a feeling I won't be able to decide on until I'm actively on the road.</p>
<p>Thing is, moving isn't weird to me.</p>
<p>One of my first memories of life is moving. It's sitting in the car on the drive up to our new home, and turning around and watching the cat weave through the assorted boxes, tail bobbing as he decided on his next hiding spot in the back.</p>
<p>I moved so often when I lived in the Midwest that a few of my friends used to joke that I only hit them up to hangout when I needed help to move (and hey, that was only accurate for a few of them (they were the fundamental evangelical couple I had befriended through mutual classes in college)).</p>
<p>So, what I'm trying to get at here is that moving isn't a new thing to me. Heck, it doesn't really even excite me anymore. It's just a thing that happens. This move might be slightly farther than others (moving literally across the country), but the prep for it is still the same. I'm still packing up all of my stuff into boxes, most of which are the exact same boxes that I moved with last time, and just waiting now for the final goodbyes to this place.</p>
<p>Heck, right now I'm sitting downstairs at the dining table instead of in my room at my desk, as, well, I don't have a desk anymore. It's packed up. I'm at <em>that</em> part of packing.</p>
<p>But, there are differences to this move. Ones that I know will hit me eventually. I know they probably won't for a while. But then it will all click and smack me right in the face.</p>
<p>You see, I'm moving out of my parents home (again), and this time they're moving as well. That's right, they've sold the house. I will <em>never</em> return.</p>
<p>That's an idea that I still haven't really wrapped my head around. This has been the house I've always been able to fall back on for almost 20 years. Even when I moved out on my own and lived in the Midwest for 8 years, I knew that if anything happened, I would be able to return to this little New England home.</p>
<p>And now I can't.</p>
<p>All of my memories of this place will only be memories. I can never return to recreate or add to them. They are finite.</p>
<p>It isn't just me moving out of this place, me with boxes strewn about the house, it is them too. My stuff has been designated to the left in the garage, theirs to the right.</p>
<p>This is the emptiest this house has ever felt.</p>
<p>Even more so than when we moved in.</p>
<p>Sure, the first night in this house we slept on the floor and ate pizza off of paper towels and that was that. But, that house was ready for us. It may have not had our furniture in it until the following morning, but it was brimming with promise and potential. Potential that it has more than fulfilled. It has been the home to 10 pets over the years, 4 people have called it home during that time, with add-ons from school friends who needed a safe spot, bringing that number closer to 10 once more.</p>
<p>And now? It's empty. All of the potential and promise, all of the light and laughter, all of those hopes and dreams, they're being packed up, piece by piece, contained and hidden away waiting to be unveiled once more in their new home.</p>
<p>I'm taking my little corner of promise and light and hopes and going elsewhere. They preparing to inherit land from one set of grandparents, I'm taking over my greatgrandmother's old home in another place.</p>
<p>It's not just a beginning of a new chapter, it's the finite and total ending of another.</p>
<p>Since I've moved from home before, and did quite well, it won't be a strange thing to leave. I know this.</p>
<p>But.</p>
<p>One day.</p>
<p>It's going to hit me that I can never return. I will never again stand in this house. My feet will never again cross the threshold of the house that made me and raised me.</p>
<p>It will take time. But one day. I don't know when. It will hit me. And I will have to deal with that reality.</p>
<p>But, in the meantime, I will move on, looking forward to the future and seeing what opportunity lies ahead.</p>
<p>And, due to my time in this house....</p>
<p>The future is looking mighty bright.</p>
]]><![CDATA[Why Persona 5's 4th Dungeon is my Favorite]]>https://fediverse.blog/~/WhatAmI/ramblings-about-persona-5/2019-03-13T22:57:21.635191+00:00magicalmillyhttps://fediverse.blog/@/magicalmilly/2019-03-13T22:57:21.635191+00:00<![CDATA[<p>There’s gonna be spoilers about this game (being Persona 5) in this post. So, if that’s important to you, be aware. I’ll be talking mostly about the 4th dungeon and such.</p>
<p>Anyways, so I’ve been really into Persona 5 for a bit now. I know, I know. It came out a while back, and I didn’t quite get on the bandwagon then, but it’s fine. I didn’t have the system or the money needed to play the game when it came out. Also, I didn’t know that the games weren’t super connected to each other, and so I thought I needed to play the series from the first Persona game onward. And I knew that they were games that I would enjoy, because I love JRPGs a whole lot, and so I wanted to make sure that I allotted enough time for them to be fully enjoyed.</p>
<p>So, I’ve already beaten the game, and my NG+ playthrough. Just so you guys know where I am knowledge-wise.</p>
<p>The 4th dungeon, Futaba’s Palace, really hit me hard.</p>
<p>Quick summary in case you forgot, or have no idea what is going on but don’t care about spoilers. Futaba, the adopted daughter of the guy taking care of you, is severely depressed. She has severe PTSD, depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, and some have even coded her as Autistic (Which I <strong>strongly</strong> agree with). She has a lot going on. And, of course, you need her help. Medjed, a “Hacktivist” group, is trying to tear you down and smoke you out. Futaba is a hacker. I think you see where this is going.</p>
<p>She finds you out as a Phantom Thief after bugging Leblanc (the coffee shop you live above), and asks for your help. She wants you to steal her heart. This catches your group off guard, because she seems like a good person, but yet she has a Palace.</p>
<p>She sees her room as her tomb and swears that she is going to die there. She blames herself for her mother’s “Suicide” and thinks this is what she deserves. And so, you enter her heart, which is a giant pyramid, and change her heart.</p>
<p>Synopsis done, check.</p>
<p>This part of the game really shook me when I first played it. And it did just as hard once I reached this part of the game again on my NG+ file.</p>
<p>Every other palace is based off of someone evil, twisted, one who has lost their way and has descended into villainous ways. Even later Palaces after this follow that model, for the most part. The November dungeon slightly changes things, because not yet fully evil, but like, is definitely heading towards the darker parts of grey.</p>
<p>Not Futaba.</p>
<p>She is a good person the whole time. And you all know it. She is scared and doesn’t know where to go or who to trust. She refuses to so much as open her door or speak to anyone who isn’t Sojiro. But yet, after listening in on your character and his friends help others and be honest and earnest in their desire to help others, she give you all one last shot.</p>
<p>She is so brave. I don’t know if everyone realizes just how scary what she did was.</p>
<p>She wants to die. She has PTSD going crazy and having her worst memories playing on a loop screaming at her how horrible and how vile she is of a person who doesn’t deserve love. How she pretty much should consider herself the cause of her mother’s death, even though it was ruled a suicide and the girl was 12/13 at the time. She was slowly starting to open up to Sojiro and become better, but then the hallucinations started. Hallucinations, by the way, are somewhat commonish to some degree for people with PTSD. And, yes, they often start to come in higher frequency levels when someone is starting to recover or starts to feel safe in their environment.</p>
<p>And yet, despite all of that, she is willing to trust what is pretty much a stranger with a criminal record to help her get out alive. Because she knows that if he can’t do anything, she won’t make it past the month.</p>
<p>Anyways, she’s a good person. She is different from every other palace because of that fact. She isn’t a twisted person trying to extort others or win or anything. Her palace, her corruption, her distortion, is her mental health. It’s about how much she hates herself. It’s about all of the lies and slander and attacks that she’s endured. It’s about how her uncle abused her. It’s about her mother dying in front of her. It’s about a young teenage girl having everything stolen from her in an instant and having nobody help until it’s too late. The only person who tries is the awkward old guy who wanted to date her mom but couldn’t. And even he is afraid to assert himself as a positive role in her life (he doesn't feel he deserves that spot, but he's a whole separate topic).</p>
<p>And yet, all of those outside influences, all of her mental health fun, distort her reality just as much as Kaneshiro or Kamoshida or Madarame. This is reality for a lot of people. It’s reality for me. I’ve recovered a lot, for the most part, but while playing this part of the game, I had a lot of moments where I felt I was back in the worst of my depression, my PTSD, my anxiety. I knew my reality was warped, I just didn’t know how to deal with it. I knew that some of things I was experiencing weren’t entirely real (for the moment), but I knew my body needed me to witness them again for some reason. I chatted with very good friends about reality at that time a few years after the fact, and their very matter of fact accounts of certain events was vastly different than how I remembered them. And I know that was because my cognition at the time was all out of wack and I wasn’t experiencing anything clearly.</p>
<p>Going through her Palace was honestly like fast forwarding through years of therapy.</p>
<p>Breaking down the doors by shining light on them (sometimes forcibly making a way for that to happen)? Holy crap yes. That’s therapy. You gotta shine a light on your problems and deal with them that way, no matter how buried they are.</p>
<p>Having to unjumble the pictures of traumatic situations? Yep. Memories get distorted, especially when they’re so traumatic or emotionally charged. My brain personally erased memories of trauma for a handful of years, leaving me very confused when I would react badly to things because I had no recollection of bad memories. So, I had to sit down and figure out where the memories were missing. And then, when I would start to get them back, I would have to sit down again and figure out what actually happened in them.</p>
<p>Having Shadow Futaba be both the most helpful and the least helpful Shadow all at the same time? Yep. My inner thoughts were both my friend and foe. I wanted to get better, yes. But I was also afraid of change. I was afraid that if I changed things, even if I meant for it to get better, it would actually get worse somehow. I wanted to reach out to my friends, but my brain told me that they’d all leave me. I would reach out, and then not tell them anything because I’d get scared after I made all the plans and everything. I was the only person I thought I could fully trust, and I was my own worst enemy.</p>
<p>Futaba wants to get better. She does. Her Shadow does too. But, giving up that strange comfort that is depression and trauma is hard. Luckily, she puts her faith in the people who don’t give up, and so she is able to get the help she needs and stand up again on her own.</p>
<p>I have to admit, the first time I saw the end of this Palace, I wanted to cry a little. Good cry.</p>
<p>Futaba, being forced down the path of healing by the Phantom Thieves, emerges victorious. The entire Palace, every single room, is a stage of healing. And, you get to be there for her during it in the most intimate of ways. Every thing in that Palace is a metaphor or symbol for her healing journey. At the end of it, Futaba enters her own Palace and confronts her own demons. And, she leaves victorious.</p>
<p>Due to your help, she accepts her memories, she works her way through grief, she internalizes what is reality versus her cognition, and then she destroys the monstrous cognition of her mother. Her mother, towering above her, screaming falsehoods, being the Sphinx that “guards” her tomb, the final cognition - the final boss - for her to overcome become she can call herself healed. In order to defeat this staggering foe, this cognition of the person she loves the most and of whom she is the most afraid, she has to face them memories that the Thieves have caused to come to light, and accept the truth that is in them: she did not kill her mother, but her mother was indeed killed - and Futaba was blamed for it so they could get away with it.</p>
<p>Finding out the truth, she refuses to be in the dark ever again and awakens to her own Persona, Necronomicon. In order to awaken to a Persona, one must look at their darkness - their shadow - and accept it. In that moment, she accepts her past, she accepts her trauma, she accepts her pain, and lets it be part of her again rather than a separate, false entity. And then she is able to move forward with her life.</p>
<p>She actually, to be honest, gains her Persona in a way similar to that of Persona 4, the previous game. The rest of the Phantom Thieves accept their true selves by seeing through the mask that Society has given them, and therefore when they 'unmask' themselves, they are actually allowing their true self to shine through. Futaba, however, doesn't do that. She doesn't take off her mask. Her goggles stay on the whole time. She demands to always know the truth. And she was granted the power to do that by facing her darkness on headfirst and accepting it. The rest of the Thieves gain their powers by accepting that they are not what they've always been told. And, by finally accepting that they are no longer whatever box they were put in, they can actually see themselves for themselves and fight back. Futaba, who doesn't have a place in society, as she's removed herself from it, instead has to fight her own perception of herself and see her true self.</p>
<p>The intense emotional arc that Futaba has throughout her Palace doesn’t end when her dungeon ends. While the climax of her arc may be when she is able to accept her Shadow and her Palace is destroyed, there is still more to come. She then has to learn how to be a person again.</p>
<p>The next week in the game is spent hanging out with her each day. You have to help her learn how to communicate, how to be around people, how to survive crowds. You help her refind herself. She may have overcome (via supernatural causes that accelerated her healing tenfold) the worst of her problems, but they aren’t fully gone. What was caused by a messed up perception of the world? Yeah, that’s fine and has been healed. What was caused by being separated from people for so long and a lack of knowledge? That isn’t magically being erased.</p>
<p>Even after that week, she isn’t 100% okay. And she never is. And I love that. Her whole confidant arc (the friendship hangouts you can have throughout the rest of the game) is you spending time with her and helping her to face each of her major everyday fears until she feels like she can go outside without help. But even after you finish that, she still isn’t okay. She sometimes has slight regressions, she sometimes shuts down, she sometimes lashes out. And that’s amazing.</p>
<p>When someone is healing, it doesn’t happen overnight. It isn’t a miraculous change. Two steps forward, one step back. And that’s what Futaba is doing. While she’s actively trying to keep going forward, she still stumbles from time to time. She still gets freaked out by loud noises. She still hides behind you when someone suddenly pops up. She’s recovering in a very legitimate and very common way. And I love that they decided to show that. It touched me very deeply.</p>
<p>Futaba is one of my favorite people in Persona 5 because she spoke so dearly to me and my personal battle with mental health. I wish so much that I would have been able to have a change of heart like she did, I know it would have saved me years of fighting. But I am glad that they were able to show to the world that good people have skewed perceptions and need help to see the world correctly too.</p>
<p>And to think, the person who introduced me to the game told me that they hated Futaba’s Palace the most. Meanwhile, I find it to be the greatest one in the game. Funny how things turn out.</p>
]]><![CDATA[Preception: Me vs. The World]]>https://fediverse.blog/~/WhatAmI/preception-me-vs-the-world/2019-03-13T03:22:06.548231+00:00magicalmillyhttps://fediverse.blog/@/magicalmilly/2019-03-13T03:22:06.548231+00:00<![CDATA[<p>If you asked me who I was, I would answer very briefly.</p>
<p>I'm a girl who was born in the south, grew up in the north, and went to college in the midwest. I like to think I'm kinda funny, and I try my best to be nice to others. In my free time, I play video games or read. I live a very basic life.</p>
<p>Not because of trying to play the humble card, but I just don't think much about who I am. It isn't so much that I have a negative opinion of myself, it's that I have a non opinion of myself. I think I'm pretty run of then mill, bordering towards boring.</p>
<p>I like to play games, but I'm not like an amazing pro player. I like to read, but it's not like a have a PhD in Literature or anything. I have a lot of pets, but that's probably all that I really recognize as interesting... and even then not really, because that doesn't say anything about me, that just explains that I have animals in my house.</p>
<p>I'm a slightly overweight girl who hasn't truly dated someone in quite some time, I don't whine about that fact or revel in it, it just is who I am. I don't repulse or draw in people to date. And that's fine.</p>
<p>I don't truly see anything extraordinary about myself.</p>
<p>But... sometimes...</p>
<hr>
<p>I remember, very clearly, in a memory that I still get confused by, an older coworker at an old job stopped me while I was chatting with someone a few years back.</p>
<p>"Hey, M. Did you know that you're like the most interesting 22 year old I've ever met? Like, you've done so much cool shit already."</p>
<p>I remember tilting my head at her in confusion, my brows furrowing to try and decipher what the hell was so interesting about me.</p>
<p>Picking up on my confusion, she continued, "I mean, you're running a fundraising department at 22. You are friends with (people), you just casually talked about how you know how to use a harpoon and know how to do the rigging on a 16th century ship, you just always have a relevant story and skillset for everything and it's kinda impressive."</p>
<p>And while each of those things is/was true, and I guess they could sound impressive. I just, I just don't think that they are. They are just things that I've done.</p>
<p>My life isn't exciting. Everything that could sound exciting was just another mundane moment in life.</p>
<p>I. Am not. Interesting.</p>
<p>End of story.</p>
<hr>
<p>In the past few months, I've come to realize that maybe, just maybe, that old coworker was right.</p>
<p>Maybe, just maybe, I could be interesting.</p>
<p>I mean, there are all the things that she said about me.</p>
<p>And then:</p>
<ul>
<li>
<p>I went to college for Community Management and Nonprofit Management.</p>
</li>
<li>
<p>And I can talk English Literature at a Doctoral level due to having a professor for a mother.</p>
</li>
<li>
<p>I've recently discovered a talent for writing.</p>
</li>
<li>
<p>I've always been quick to make friends.</p>
</li>
<li>
<p>I've always had a way with words.</p>
</li>
<li>
<p>I was a drum major for a drum corps at 16.</p>
</li>
<li>
<p>I scared a doctor once with an injury that I had just learned to live with for years.</p>
</li>
<li>
<p>I was begged by a top teacher at a Top 3 internationally ranked music school to be a Voice major.</p>
</li>
<li>
<p>I once went a full week without sleep.</p>
</li>
<li>
<p>I've spoken at national conferences.</p>
</li>
<li>
<p>I've gone toe to toe with internationally famous people in arguments and have incontestably won.</p>
</li>
<li>
<p>I've won awards from internationally recognized sources.</p>
</li>
</ul>
<p>Maybe <em>I am</em> interesting.</p>
<p>Maybe I was just too used to it to see it.</p>
<hr>
<p>Or maybe it was because I wasn't paid attention to when it happened.</p>
<p>I didn't have a ton of friends growing up. I was good at getting people to think I was nice, but not enough to get people to be my honest to goodness friend.</p>
<p>I was bullied a lot. Some liked to act like I was stupid. Some liked to act like I was ugly. No one wanted me to be happy. I picked up on that then, but I therefore never really got an idea of where I <em>was</em>, just where I was not.</p>
<p>I was just always put in places of leadership, I was never told what I was doing right or wrong, I just assumed that I stumbled into everything somehow. I now recognize that it is uncommon to put a 16 year old in charge of 150 other people, especially when they don't have a ton of experience in the field themselves, but at the time I was just wideeyed.</p>
<p>I always liked music, but was never honestly told my talent. Even when the vocal teacher in question was begging, I just kinda shrugged her off and laughed, thinking she had to be joking. And I still don't know how I feel or where I stand or anything like that.</p>
<p>And everything that happened because of work, well, I just assumed they were part of the job. And, my performance for that entire year in that position, I just assumed I was doing the basics for my position. It was only just recently, as I've been doing job interviews and applications to get back into the field, that I've realized that maybe I did more than expected. Maybe I went above and beyond. Maybe the reason that I was able to get those celebrities to chat with me how they did was because I made fun of them like I would anyone else, was because I was able to draw them in like I have everyone else. When they're the one's used to be the one drawing people in.</p>
<p>I don't know.</p>
<p>All I know is, all that I can really gleam from all of this rambling that, even as I write it, I know is just half formed thoughts and fragments....</p>
<p>All I know is that while I may find myself uninteresting, boring even, that doesn't seem to be the consensus from others.</p>
<p>What I've been through might be boring to me, as I lived it as my mundane.</p>
<p>But, that doesn't mean that it isn't something special to someone else.</p>
<p>I don't really know how to word the final point I have.</p>
<p>But it is a strange mix of "I need to stop discrediting myself and try listening to others more" and "it isn't bragging and it isn't shitty of you to talk about the things you've done that you think are cool."</p>
<p>And both of those go against everything I was raised to think as a girl.</p>
<p>But I'm gonna try my fucking hardest, and I'm going to share my interesting with everyone, so that others may share theirs as well.</p>
<p>Because, honestly, fuck hiding the cool shit about you because you were told that you're not allowed to be proud of yourself.</p>
<p>You fucking are.</p>
<p>Be proud.</p>
<p>You're great.</p>
]]><![CDATA[I Will Not Lose Today]]>https://fediverse.blog/~/WhatAmI/i-will-not-lose-today/2019-03-11T02:00:51.676992+00:00magicalmillyhttps://fediverse.blog/@/magicalmilly/2019-03-11T02:00:51.676992+00:00<![CDATA[<p>'Maybe this won't be that bad'</p>
<p>But, as all famous last words, I was to be mistaken.</p>
<p>Shortly afterwards, I noticed that I was twitchy. Looking at everything, taking everything in.</p>
<p>Every single movement caught my eye. I had to look at everything, had to know everything. Sure, it was just a bird flying out the window, but I had to know that, I had to confirm it. Full head swivel, pupils bouncing from subject to subject, memorizing everything within view.</p>
<p>My leg, already pretty prone to bouncing, was now doing so with a veracity that left me tired even thinking about it. Beyond pulsing, beyond bouncing, it was almost shaking, almost tremoring. Back ramrod straight, but legs moving, fingers twitching, toes curling. Either still as stone or continuous movement, there was no in between.</p>
<p>This, however, was ignored at first.</p>
<p>But, when I realized my eyes were tired from the constant focusing, and that that slow creeping climb up my neck was starting, I knew I was trapped.</p>
<p>Anxiety was crawling its way up from the very center of my being, the very core of my soul. Making its way up my neck, leaving a weight there that was impossible to ignore with every single breath. Skin feeling tight, suddenly itchy all over. Each itch was mandatory, each was Anxiety trying to force its way out. Get to the real world. Make itself whole.</p>
<p>'Subtle as can be, take a good breath in, take a good breath out. Can't show weakness, can't let anyone know that a single name caused this. It's been years. I mean, sure you've heard the name (hell, even used it) since with no issues... but the way it was used struck you. Positively. With admiration.</p>
<p>It undid you.</p>
<p>It's just a fucking name.'</p>
<p>Every reply given, measured. Every word uttered, tempered. Keep the voice even, don't allow Anxiety to seep in. Focus on the job, focus on the conversation. Keep Anxiety down until it realizes that a name does not summon. I am safe.</p>
<p>Even if my stomach does not agree. Even if the shaking and tremoring have reached my organs, stomach unable to sit still. The rolling feeling adding an extra label of difficulty to the goal to not let Anxiety have my voice.</p>
<p>I am already ashamed of the emotion allowed in my dissent of the name.</p>
<p>I cannot allow it to have my voice.</p>
<p>It will stay put, it will realize that things are okay, that I am not in danger.</p>
<p>Even as the room shakes and spins, even as I am teeming and feel like everything is both too small and too big and that there will never be enough.</p>
<p>I am not in danger.</p>
<p>And, so, I must continue on.</p>
<p>The name will not control my voice. The name will not control my body. The name will not control me.</p>
<p>Just as the man behind the name does not any longer.</p>
<p>And so, Anxiety will not win. Despite how strongly it fights the battle within.</p>
<p>Anxiety will not win this day.</p>
]]><![CDATA[Why Start This?]]>https://fediverse.blog/~/WhatAmI/why-start-this/2019-03-10T00:58:04.854874+00:00magicalmillyhttps://fediverse.blog/@/magicalmilly/2019-03-10T00:58:04.854874+00:00<![CDATA[<p>Hello!</p>
<p>It is strange, in the few months that I have been introduced and involved in the Fediverse... it has been both the least human interaction I've really ever had in my life outside of work, and also the least lonely I've ever felt.</p>
<p>The reasoning is? The Fediverse.</p>
<p>It has become a place where I never truly feel alone. A place where I feel free to express and to share what I truly think without worry about how I will be received.</p>
<p>No one on here has any preconceived notions of me. They take me at face value and create their judgement of me from what they actually see of me.</p>
<p>And, knowing how the fediverse works, I have the freedom to act, knowing that if there is a difference, if myself and another do not see eye to eye, it is simple to remove each other from view and move on.</p>
<p>Life does not end, it does not change.</p>
<p>It is great.</p>
<p>And so, why the blog?</p>
<p>Because sometimes I want to rant and I want to go into detail.</p>
<p>And I feel like I don't have enough room on the main TL without taking up 50 million toots in a row.</p>
<p>And, so. I have this.</p>
<p>The posts may be disjointed. There may be a deeply political rant followed by an excerpt of the fanfiction I am writing. I might have a bullet point list of every way a guest at work was rude to me followed by a long thought out list of questions and ideas about the future.</p>
<p>This is a place for longform thought.</p>
<p>Also, I will use this as a place to answer questions or thoughts that people may have that might take up more space. So, feel free to ask questions to me on here or through my main account magicalmilly@elekk.xyz</p>
<p><3 </p>
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