reflections on suicidal tendencies

cw: this is literally just me complaining about how fucked up everything is

it's something of an indictment of the system if the most likely outcome of me constantly wanting to die is me being in this same position about two years from now, but more likely than not being in a casket than writing some shitty post about it.

maybe in a slightly more civilized, less ass-backwards country the response to mental health crises would be to actually fund mental health systems instead of treating them like dogshit and slashing their funding at every opportunity.

maybe if we lived in any sort of just world i'd just be free to deal with the feelings myself instead of constantly navigating landmines just to make it so that i don't start a chain of suicides in taking that way out.

then again if we lived in a just world, maybe i wouldn't be in this situation. maybe i wouldn't have to deal with the people and the things and every other stupid bullshit situation that makes it impossible to live but too hard to actually resign to the unknown of being dead.

i don't know.

sooner or later if you crush people, grind them down to dust and ashes and make it so they can't express themselves lest they be sectioned or institutionalized or mocked for being open about their mental health struggles or just not capable of getting help, they will explode.

you can't act surprised that people choose to kill themselves when everything in their life is fucked up and they have basically no recourse for fixing that because of a shitty system and a shitty reality that ruins them at every opportunity. you can't be surprised when people go out and blow up buildings or shoot up schools if you don't treat the people who really need it. you can't be surprised when the depressed and anxious resign to their fates when they never have a chance to fix themselves. you can't expect people who are ordinary, who have no training whatsoever other than in being someone's friend, to be the stopgap for the fucking mentally ill in lieu of an actual mental health system.

but they probably will be next time.

again.