What it's like to be a farmer in North Korea


I wake up to the rising sun blinding my chinky eyes, I scratch my mongolian spot which gracefully lays on my ass. See, I fucked this one South Korean bitch and since my skin on my butthole turned all chinky dinky, now it looks like pork bun sesame chicken sauce.

I scrape the crabs off my dick and get out of my shitty bed. I put on my North Korean farmer uniform which has a nice ass red badge on it, I spit on it and do 10 salutes to the portraits of my glorious leaders, with tears in my eyes but I don't show it cuz I'm not a pussy, one day I won't be a farmer anymore, I'm gonna go to America and blog about this shit one day, I keep that in mind as I put on my cheap rat leather shoes.

It's early morning and my wife and kids are still sleeping, I kiss them on their foreheads in case I accidentally shoot myself in the back of the head 14 times and jump out of a helicopter into the North Korean Sea, as some of my friends have done. I do another 10 salutes to my glorious leader's portraits, for the cameras in my tiny bummy home to see. I take some live worms, pyongkimbapdong, from the family bowl and put them in my mouth for breakfast, and I make my way out and to work.


I run to the train station and catch the departing cattle car, I mix in with the oxen and salute the portraits of my glorious leaders which hang on the inner wall of the cattle car. All of a sudden, the train grinds to a halt, EEEE, the force of the brakes cause me to fall on some ox's ass, VRRRGHHH!!, and the ox got mad and kicked me in the head real hard. FWUHPOP! Then I ragdolled in the air and landed on a bunch of other ox's ass's, and I'm like oh shit, and then they collectively circle around me and kick me in the head 100 times. VRRGHH FWUHPANK, FWUHPOW.

A moment of pause. The oxen backed away, and one giant big bubba muddufucka ox came thru, huffing and puffing, HRRRRRRGGHH. I was like oh shit, it flipped me over, and then I got raped by that scary big bubba chinese cow. Afterwards, the oxen moved back to where they were before, and acted like they didn't do nothing wrong.

Then, some military police officers get on the cattle car, see me, and beat me with their batons, screaming, WHY YOU NO SALUTE KIM JONG UN OUTSIDE TRAIN! Indeed, I fucked up, I forgot to salute to the portraits of my glorious leaders, the ones hanging outside the train station, inside the train station, and the ones outside the cattle train. I beg for forgiveness, since I was in a rush and I was running late to work.

They eventually stop beating me and tell me to wake up an hour earlier next time, so that I can salute the portraits and statues and sing the national anthem. What a bunch of nice guys, I'm so happy that I wasn't beaten to death or accidentally suicided by shooting myself 14 times in the back of my head and then falling out of a helicopter in the middle of the North Korean Sea.


I stumble out of the cattle car and get in line for work on my boss's farm. One of his henchmen are doing roll call, and he sees me with blood and bruises on my face, and kicks me HARD in the balls. This was the moment when I stopped being able to give children basically. My boss's guy said, WHY YOU SHOW UP LOOKING LIKE BUM, YOU BRUISE AND BLOODY, YOU SO UNPROFESSIONAL, FUCK YOU! Indeed, I fucked up, I could have woken up an hour earlier to make sure I salute every single glorious portrait and statue I see, then I wouldn't have been beaten by those officers, and then I wouldn't have shown up to work all beat up, and I wouldn't have made my glorious nation look bad.


After standing knee-deep in mosquito larva water, in stinky rice fields under the hot ass sun, I finally have my 10-minute lunch break. Today's meal is live maggot bowl, or kimbappowdong. I hoist my fingers into the bowl and feast on the maggots. Mmmm, protein, also the fact that they still wiggle in my stomach is good for digestion, I can feel them heading towards my anus already.


Finally the work day is over, 12 hours of mind-numbing rice picking and planting, with the occasional armed guard inspecting my work. Only 3 people dropped dead this time, which is both a good and a bad thing. Good, that less people are dying from hard work, and bad, because we use the dead bodies to bait maggots for our daily lunch, and they also decompose to fertilize the rice fields, for all of Glorious North Korea to eat later.


I come home, tired and bruised, with dried blood and mosquito bites. My family does not ask what happened, they already know. My wife cooked me some hot rice bowl with ox penis, maggots, and vegetables. My children join the dinner table, and I tell them to keep up with their studies. "My beloved children, you gotta really really study, so that you can beat niggas up for not saluting Kim Jong Un pictures, instead of being the nigga that gets beat up for not saluting Kim Jong Un pictures."

They nod, with some tears in their eyes, but they can't say anything because of the mandatory glorious government microphones in our home. I'm so proud of my children, they totally get me, and I can tell they're not like the other kids who are sheep goyim cattle rabble.

I finish my ox penis live maggot vegetable rice bowl, byongkimdappappong, take a quick bath while my wife washes and dries my farmer uniform, brush my big crooked chinky teeth, and I finally hit the hay, nice and clean and beat up. I will fall asleep instantly, assuming my wife doesn't surprise me with surprise blowjob.