Fear Setting In

I'm afraid of becoming cis and being hated, which is part of the reason I transitioned in the first place, in addition to being afraid of being a man in general, which may or may not be dysphoria I don't know. I pulled back and saw something I was writing and was horrified by how different I might be seen in the same community if I became a cishet. Honestly complaining about this, while cis, basically just confirms the notion of the fragile male ego. Additionally saying that and knowing that while cis is a crime of not just shutting up.

I really shouldn't be afraid though, I should have faith, I will have faith, that I'll find fulfillment through this and find freedom from the pain of dysphoria, and find fulfillment in self denial and participation and acceptance of my natural form.

I may feel joy from delighting in exploring femininity but there is greater fuller joy in the Lord. I'm simply trapped in sin right now, and a slave to myself. In time I, like all the people I've spoken too, Freedom March, New Heart Outreach, Identify Ministry, ex trans and ex gay pulse victims. If it works for them it can work for me right?

I type this to convince myself, I need to start believing it to start feeling it. I just also feel alone and impatient for release.

Today I wished for death so that I could be in heaven and comfortable with myself.