I tried to find myself online, I couldn't

Most people at one point or another try

to find themselves online

Sitting bored before the all knowing one

what is your query? 

Do you try to mimic passers-by

catching but a glimpse and being entranced

"black haired beauty"

Do you count associations with past selves

"Rock Hill Middle College Award Ceremony 2012"

Do you open an incognito tab to your facebook

to see just how much you divulge

"Birth Year 1994 and a favorite quote feature everyone forgot"

Some may be eager to find comfort in a crowd

Typing in their name with hits from San Fran to Timbuktu

Mayhaps, you wonder if that lonely porno still exists

Bing: "Airplane directing stick, safe search off"

I meet very unique criteria

Being the only Marley Kudiabor on the planet 

and having a digital footprint bigger than my pretransition dick

mostly from the hours through the aughts

perched in front of a desktop

bringing truth the the words "I'm from the internet"

If I really wanted to find myself I could

proving to myself the difficulty of this task would profit little

And so I move on

I try to find myself

Or rather who I yet may still become

That which I in part aspire to be

In part because, as if the I that is to be

were but a stranger on a train

still unmet as doors were closing

I've heard that there is no way

no inkling of a way

for this person to be happy

If this person is me

and I continue being me.

Despite the fact that I

right now, indeed am full of joy

this joy will end.

And so I board the train,

the train I know in my heart

will lead me to this person.

A self that is capable of reconciling 

mind body soul and faith

as they were at birth.

This journey will be easy

This journey will be joyous

This journey will be fulfilling

Yet the inverse has been true.

As if the train were the essence

of misery itself

I disembark.

Perhaps I boarded the wrong train

I must find them

I must find myself

I'm alone

Maybe I'm online

"Luis and Angel, ex pulse survivors ex-gay"

I board this train and it too is the same

"Walt Hyer"

This train too is full of pain

"The alternative of repression"

So the train won't move, and you'll just be at your destination, but not really?

"every conversion therapy organisation in central florida"

I see painted people on the windows, presenting themselves, I have no idea if they are real, this train has no doors

"childhood sexual abuse correlation"

that's funny I was like this before during and after my rape

"your dad sucked"

Okay this is just a big sign for a train, nice joke, enlightenment usually comes with a path forward

"testimonials"

This path forward,

and all of the other paths forward

were stories of a road less traveled 

because I'm not quite sure the road exists

and those that walked it

did not arrive at the station on the road I walked.

If it was I that I saw,

then they walked that very road.

I boarded every one,

and left the pain on board happily

There's only left.

Google

"ex trans catholic in quotes"

and it returns 2 results

a porno I wasn't in

and an unrelated 1915 chicago tribunal archive

I tried to find myself online, I couldn't