Poem Dump

The times I sit confused about what to even think What step to take next or what direction in even going I pull out my phone instinctively I don't even know what I'm going to search I just sit there and stare Then I lose myself in thought Worry Confusion How many times have I been here How many times has this gotten me back to the same place This same Spot What do I want Am I drive by fear? Or am I driven by dissatisfaction hidden under fixation To Euphoria which... Well Which... I've only been me I can't say prior It Was ever self induced What is the norm Does norm from State farm see themself And feel I'm told this is a drug Simplification, stereotype generalisations As if life itself could be reduced to performance For death to attain Google Search Auto Gyno Philia Fuck Phone's dead

Sitting at work Alone No one around 8 pm It's raining Serene I hear the sky rumbling Thinking About God About me About love About fullness of self and self acceptance There is something great that I can't even fathom A fullness of life Supposedly

I'm moving away away from what I didn't even know Before I came here But I know it now I've seen a lot of this place I'll miss the leaves I'll miss the way the sun feels here The grass is truly greener here It's Home But I'm told there's somewhere better It at least That this place is false, fake, made up, not real, a lie, facades I've ordered a ticket out But I don't know anything about the train Or if it's even a train I don't want to leave But I'm afraid Of death

Pull down to refresh Pull down No tweets Pull down No pics Pull down No posts Pull down Nothing Pull down Nothing Pull down Nothing Pull down Fuck Pull down I feel it Pull down It's creeping back Pull down Who am I Pull down I'm afraid Pull down I'm alone Pull down None of this Pull down Is fulfilling Pull down I'm living a lie Pull down I can't seem to grasp it Pull down I already have it Pull down I think the same thought Pull down Over and over Pull down And over and over Pull down And over again Pull down Am I real Pull down Am I Ill Pull down Mental illness Pull down Felt different Pull down Fixation Pull down Felt different Pull down Prior Pull down I felt ill Pull down Now Pull down I feel fulfilled Pull down Euphoria Pull down Was mania Pull down Was obsession Pull down Was addiction Pull down Now Pull down I'm more me Pull down So am I me Pull down Oh look New post

I'm so tired I've grown weak I'm being worn down Worn in Giving in is my escape Giving in will set me free But can a slave fathom freedom? I don't even recall the scent of the air before captivity I may have never known it submerged in this sin, as I am To find rest I must give up rest To find peace, give up peace There is more out there Outside these walls Or perhaps Perhaps I'm endentured to servitude of the wrong man Fully fulfilling servitude as it is It is the wrong man And I will be better served Serving another Right and wrong being objective things Objectivity of which I am convicted A conviction greater than my satisfaction My happy sufferance with slavery Slavery really is the wrong word Rather the right one easily misinterpreted It's something akin to Stockholm syndrome But you and I and the rest of the world save for a few mindful outcasts hold my captor in high esteem. He's a gentle lover He's never hurt me physically and emotionally He's just Not whom your gran would approve New fashioned Hewn from the stone cold face of this new soul free world You see, I'm told by those that hold that evil is real That evil is here In his presence Somehow I've found myself at the crossroads Of myself and my self My concience is at odds with my heart What I've known to be true is coming into question Now I question this new truth I don't know how to end this Since it's not over I fear the end Yet it is that fear that drives me

Bathroom stall doors are paper thin Just like my skin

The worst part Is I don't even buy it I don't believe in what defines me I am my own farce

I sit back Listening to the wind And begin to reflect And yet Nothing comes to mind I ponder what to ponder And see a vast wasteland A wasteland of thought Notion, idea, ideal, emotion Devoid of souls, none not even my own If there were a river that fed this land It was blocked long ago Like a thrombosed vein And a clot of a lifetime of horrors From thence forth no more pain can flow Albeit neither can anything else This is the inhibition of my mind This is PTSD This is trauma and pain and fear I'm so used to this nothing I've let it latch on I've let it convince me that there is nothing more

I've been told I am the most interesting tran in the world Checking out the card reader read Master Tran Probably in reference to the transaction And not in recognition of my trans actions As I hide in the shadows of dualism Somehow at the crossroads Of moral absolutism And transhumanism I look on the mirror and see a tran wreck Derailed at St James cathedral It's easy to maintain a mindset unchallenged But here I am a combination of a lesbian feminist Steve Urkel And the infamous Mizz Jenner I'm running away they say Turns to I'm running away I tell myself From SSA to gay and back again My conviction that this is right for me Matched with a belief that it's just wrong, see I'm not quite sure how I got here. Well I am sure I woke up and delayed the process until recently And now here I am With a search history full contrapoints and focus on the family Redirection, reparation, restoration, sanctification I just have Daddy issues I hate men I have autogynophilia All things I've told myself See I'm like on season 2 waiting for the GOT finale I don't know who will win this war Here's hoping I survive

New found confidence in not giving a shit I mean I didn't give a shit before But now I flipped the shit vacuum It's inside of me now Before I wasnt really thinkin bout the outside Now I'm spending time not thinkin bout the inside What color are these walls Should I paint them maybe remodel Refinance to get a better resale Fuck that Not really spending time at home See I gotta get out Get outta my head get outta myself Get outta this house And dedicate my time to something greater than myself See when I'm not in my brain I can be in yours Or yours or yours or theirs I can connect The dots between our souls And not just The dots between my problems so Now to move on To discover new ports New seas new worlds

Voicemail

It's nice to be able to read voicemail It's nice to not have to clean them up It's nice to be able to reverse time It's nice at 1:22 AM

I unlock then press play on the message "I love you" in a forgotten voice Your dulcet softness pleasing to the ear vulnerability in so few words

What I heard first was from inside of me You felt so distant unfamiliar It was like you were speaking to the past You uttered the words to another.

Second, now outside of me, your body You were sitting wrapped between my arms It just felt so familiar and so warm As if yesterday were yesteryear

Next now in front of me was bitter cold Chill drying out these lips still untouched Gone desire of your intimate kiss

How can I want so much of you While I don't want any part of you

You Are like the sun Radiant and Bright I close my eyes And look up your light Shining through the darkness I open Your blazing passion Burns itself Imprints itself Comes to live In my eye In myself Now I close my eyes And you're still there Even when I avert my gaze You are there Night falls And you are there I run and run and run and run And you are still there