Fireside

I am Yadid.

I grew up in a Catholic home. My mama Maria would sing to me about the glory of the Trinity, of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, and how they held the whole world in their hands. She told me that there were angels looking down at me, beings of fire and light and ever-changing bodies. She told me about how the saints would raise their swords for me in my time of need and care for me in my time of hopelessness. She told me about divine gestures and holy water, rosary beads and divine words. She took me to church and led me in my worship.

I also grew up in a witch’s home. My mum Eloise would take me out into the backyard and teach me about the spirits of the land, the trees and the lakes and the winds, and how they made up the entire world. She told me how there were countless varieties of fae and spirit who could help or harm. She told me about the new and ancient ways to protect and care for myself. She taught me about magic candles and black salt, energetic crystals and supernatural symbols. She took me to the forest and led me in my workings.

And from them I wove my own picture of the divine.

The fire burns bright, crackling and reaching its fingers towards our faces. We’re in a little clearing on the side of the road, surrounded by miles of forest. My sister Aleena huddles closer to her boyfriend, Alan, trying to stay close to him and the fire. They are both sharing a blanket and claiming a log for themselves. Her black curls mingle with his blonde tresses, and their hands are locked together, fingers meshing, so they look like a single unit, Aleena-and-Alan.

Morgan and I are sprawled out on another blanket on the ground. I’m munching on a sandwich that my mum packed, the last one before we started relying on food we could find during the journey. Morgan’s reading a little booklet, something about different kinds of flowers. Their head is resting up against a log, with a blanket cushioning the harsh surface. Vinn is sitting in the open trunk of the car across the fire, staring down into it. His broad form fills up the entire space, like somehow he could topple the whole van if he just leaned a little further forward. In the dancing light we all look like icons and giants I think, shadows and distortions drifting across our faces. But underneath it, I know, are the people I chose to take my Wandering with.

They’re good people.

Morgan reaches over and tosses another branch onto a fire. We’d managed to collect enough dry wood for a nice sized fire for the night, even though we really don’t need it. The old VW Bus has space, heat and light. The fire is comforting though, the flickering light and popping noises remind us of the bonfires in the center of town on the solstice, and of the torchlights that light the streets for the winter holidays. The flames sputter for a moment, before releasing a long tongue of orange-red into the air.

“Ya’ll think the nursery will be okay while I’m gone?” Vinn asks, and Alan snorts.

“The old bat’s has been taking care of that place for, like, a hundred years, Vinnie. She’s not gonna let it burn down the second you leave,” he said.

“Shut the eff up man, she ain’t that old,” Vinn said laughed. “She’s only seventy, and she’s only been working there a couple decades. Just because you’ve been jobless for the past year ain’t mean you gotta snipe at the rest of us.”

“Oh, because taking care of toddlers and making sure the runts don’t kill themselves trying to work out how to use a juice box sounds like such fun!” Alan says in a faux-excited voice, scrunching up his face.

“Quite being a jackass Alan,” my sister says and whacks him across the back of the head, “you really wanna start the Wandering like this?”

“Sorry Aleena,” he mumbles, rubbing his head, and shooting an apologetic look at Vinn.

“I’m sure the nursery and Mrs. Kimura will be fine. Alan has a point, she knows what she’s doing,” I jump in.

“Hey Aleena, what are you looking forward to seeing the most?” Morgan pipes up, trying to change the topic.

“Um, maybe Chicago. They’re supposed to have the coolest hang glider courses, you can fly around the buildings and look in through the windows,” she says, smiling.

“Yeah, that’ll be cool. I’m really looking forward to San Fran though, they’ve got this awesome railcar system, and the underwater bits are supposed to be really fun to scuba around,” I say. The conversation dies down for a while, and we all spend a few minutes admiring the fire or the stars.

“I wish the Wandering didn’t last so long,” says Morgan, and we all look at them.

“It’s literally only the first night. You already homesick?” Alan asks.

“No it’s just, I’ve never been out of the town before. What if the rest of the world is awful or boring?”

“So? I mean, isn’t that the point of the Wandering, to make sure the town is really the place where you wanna be? That Wellens Pass is really where you wanna spend the rest of your life?” I say.

“Well, yeah Yadid, but what if- what if when we come back, everything’s different?” Their voice comes out in a hushed whisper, and Vinn jumps in.

“What do you mean, different? Different how?” he asks, and Morgan sits up.

“Like what if we go on this year long trip around the country, and when we come back, we don’t like each other any more. Or if one of us decides that they like somewhere else better and they just leave? What then?” they say. The fire crackles and spits, throwing shadows across our faces.

“Well then that’s just how it’s meant to be, right?” I ask.

“Huh?” Vinn says, and I twist to look at him.

“Like, if we end up not liking each other by the end of this, then it means that we’ve done everything we need to for each other. And that it’s time to just… move on. To a new city or otherwise,” I say.

“That’s bull. If I end up hating you, it’s gonna be because you filled my shampoo bottle with honey again, not because I’m ‘done with you,’ asswipe,” Alan says.

“And what happens if Aleena wants to stay in Chicago, and you wanna stay in in San Fran? Would one of you stay with the other even if it meant giving up your dream?”

“That’s different. Aleena is my dream,” he says, giving her a goofy grin.

“Booo!” shouts Morgan, giving him a thumbs down.

“Yeah, ya’ll are cringey as fuck,” says Vinn.

“Cringey and in love,” Aleena says in a singsongy voice reaching up to kiss him. The rest of us jeer and groan, making a racket.

For a moment the yellow light and the age-old tradition of mocking young couples distracts us from the topic at hand. We’ll return to it soon, I’m sure, but for a moment we’re united in joy. For a moment the life of the group pulses in time with the flames and the distant light of the stars, and everything is in sync. Laughter and kisses and chaotic, harmonious voices. I laugh too, but not because of my sister and Alan. Because my friends are here and I’m here and their voices surround me like a warm blanket. Because this moment, right here, is every bit of what I want from life, and I want to wring it for all it’s worth. Because I can see the angels above shining on us and the dancing spirit of flame laughing with us.

Because this spot by the fire is sacred.