The Ego & Forgiveness (A presentation by Kenneth Wapnick)

The next step is the big one. Get yourself comfortable. Now the course distinguishes between 2 different kinds of projection and this is what refers to as “special relationships”. These 2 forms are special-hate and special-love, and all that they are, are just 2 different ways in which we project onto each other and there is no other option. Now, special hate is basically what we already considered, special hate relationships are those relationships in which we choose certain special people, who can very nicely serve to be the scape goats onto whom we project our own guilt. These are relatively straightforward, not always but usually. And again, the purpose of these relationships is to find somebody we could scapegoat, whom we could attack. The other form of specialness is a little different. Because what distinguishes special love from special-hate is not the basic dynamic which is exactly the same, but the form which the dynamic takes. And what makes special love relationships such a powerful weapon in the egos arsenal, is that it seems to be something that it’s not. Most of us are usually aware when we’re angry, we may choose to remain angry but we usually can be aware that we are angry; this is not the case with special-love. Special-Love appears to be the most wonderful thing in all the world, but when we really look at it, which we’ll do in just a moment, we will realize that it’s nothing more than a very thin veil that’s drawn over the face of special hate, and it’s not a very pretty picture. But again, what makes it so powerful is that it seems to be something that it is not. One of the more powerful sections in the course in chapter 17 is one called “the two pictures”, which contrasts the ego’s picture with the holy spirit’s picture. And the ego’s picture of course is the picture of death, picture of guilt, picture of hatred, but the ego doesn’t show us this picture because it camouflages it, by placing it within a very heavy elaborated and overly ornamented frame, that glitters with jewelry, diamonds and rubies, and this is what attracts and seduces us, so what we want is what the frame is offering us and we are not aware that what we are really buying is the picture, which is a picture of guilt, hatred and of death. It’s only when we could get right up close to the frame that we realize, that the diamonds, as this sections explains, are really tears and the rubies are really drops of blood. And that’s what we were really drawn to, although it didn’t seem that way. So what the course really is trying to do is to help us to look at the picture frame of the special love relationship, so that we could realize what it is we’re getting and then change our mind about it.

A while ago when i talked about guilt, i said that one of the characteristics of guilt was that it taught us that there was something in us that was missing, something in us that was lacking, something in us that was incomplete, something in us that is not fulfilled. This whole constellation of ideas is what the course refers to as the “Scarcity Principle”. It’s the belief that there is something scarce in us. Something missing. Now the ego of course never tells us what’s missing. What’s missing in the ego’s system is God, whom the ego has banished.

[… story of Eden …]

But of course the ego doesn’t tell us this; it says there is something missing, something that’s lacking, and there’s nothing you can do to change that inherent characteristic of yourself. And again, this is what guilt is, the ego convinces us that guilt is real. There is something missing in us, there is something lacking in us. But then the ego says “While there is nothing you can do that can change who you are, there is something you can that can lessen or deaden the pain, that you’re feeling.” What we are really talking about now, is just another form of projection; part of the ego’s plan for salvation. And the ego says that what you need, is someone or something who can cover over this gaping hole that you believe is your true reality. So we begin with the feeling that there is lack, which then becomes a feeling that there is something that we need. Someone or something that can cover this terrible hole that we feel. So, basically what we find in special love relationships is this basic formula, that says, that i have certain special needs that God cannot meet - because as we’ve seen, within the ego’s system God plays no part, he’s the enemy - but when i meet you, a certain special person, who has certain special characteristics and traits and you meet my need as I establish it, then I will love you. And if it can be worked out, that you have certain special needs, and I can be your special person that meets those needs, then you will love me and that of course is the ego’s version of the marriage made in heaven. Obviously it’s a marriage made in hell, but again the ego always gets things always upside down. We think that it’s heaven. Why do we think it’s heaven? Because at that given moment we believe that our needs are being met and that feels very good. And what is that need? That need is the need to escape from confronting the horror of what we believe we really are. And then what we believe is the inevitable punishment for our sin. So when we meet these certain special love partners and we enter into a special love agreement or bargain with them, this is what occurs, that somehow we are protected or defended against dealing with the terrible pain of confronting our self-hatred and the terror that arises from it. Psychologically we refer to such a situation as dependency. That i become dependent on you, because without you I’d have to deal with all this guilt. With you, i don’t have to deal with it. So special love relationship is just another word for dependency. So let me just say a word of hope and encouragement at this point. Please, don’t feel guilty as you start to get very upset when you consider all your special relationships, those that you’ve had, those that you’re currently enjoying and those that you hope and pray that you someday have. As i continue to describe what these relations are really like, please don’t run out of the room yelling and screaming, because the course emphasizes that every relationship in this world begins as a special one, that there’s no way of avoiding them in this world and the worst thing to do is to feel guilty or afraid of them because that’s what will interfere (as we’ll see later on) with the Holy Spirit’s using these relationships as the means for genuinely saving us. The course is not against special relationships. What it’s against is holding on to the purpose of these relationships, which is the purpose of guilt. The most important relationship that we ever have is that between our parents and ourselves. That’s the most powerful and the most long-lasting and it also is the relationship that begins with us being totally dependent. That’s another word for specialness, as we saw. So we can’t avoid having these special relationships in our lives. If we were perfect and we had no guilt, we would not be in a body and we wouldn’t be here. So the very fact that we are here in this body, is telling us that we are guilty and since guilt must always be projected and projection must always come in the form of special relationships, there’s no way of avoiding them in this world. So the whole purpose of the course can be seen as to help us recognize what these special relationships are; help us recognize what the real gift is, that is offers and give us a way of seeing how it is we could turn them around. The course says that the Holy Spirit never takes our special relationships away from us, he transforms them. So, please don’t feel guilty as you see yourself in all the kind of principles we are going to talk about now. There are two essential ways that we could see, how special love is really nothing more than special hate. The first of these comes when we consider what it is that really attracts us. When I meet you and I fall in love with you - and by the way when we talk about special love relationships, we are not only talking about those relationships that have a romantic or a sexual component to them. All relationships where we seek somebodies approval or want somebody’s attention, that’s a special relationship; that between a child and a parent or even a parent to a child, that between a teacher and a pupil or a therapist and a patient, these are also different form of specialness. So if I feel particularly stupid and I take a class in the university and it’s a class from a teacher that i admire and I respect, then I’ll develop a special relationship with that teacher, because i would want his or her approval, because that’s what will teach me that i am not stupid. And if I get an A, i will think this teacher is the greatest in the world; and if i don’t, well then it’s the opposite. So that’s another form of specialness. So, it does not only deal with those relationship that deal with what we would think of as being romantic or sexual. These would be an important part of it, certainly, but they come in other forms and sizes too.

So when i meet you and i decide that you are my special love-partner, which means, you are the one who can make me escape and avoid confronting what I really believe about myself. And therefor when you do this, i fall in love with you, what I’m really falling in love with, is not the light of Christ that shines from you, is not the inherent beauty that you have, that i share as being a child of god, what I’ve fallen in love with is the particular form of ego darkness that you possess, that complements the particular form of ego darkness that i possess. So what I’ve fallen in love with is your capacity to meet my need. That i feel so terrible and wretched and unworthy of anybody’s love and yet here you come along and you love me; and what i love in you is not who you really are, what i love is your capacity is to make me feel good about myself, so that i don’t have to deal with what i really believe i am. This establishes a contradictory feeling that while on a conscious level, whenever I’m with you or i think about you, i feel grateful to you and to god and anybody else, for having brought you into my life, i feel that I’m the most blessed person in the world and i feel that you’re the most wonderful person in the world, and i thank god everyday for you and I’m filled with such feelings of love; on an unconscious level I’m feeling something quite different: Cause on an unconscious level, I’m reminded of the purpose that I’ve given you in this relationship. And the purpose that I’ve given you in this relationship is that you are the one who will protect me from my own guilt. You then become the defense against this guilt, which means that whenever I’m with you or whenever I’m thinking of you, despite what my conscious mind is saying, unconsciously I’m always reminded of what you symbolize. Cause that’s why I’m involved with you. And what you symbolize is my guilt. And since it’s my guilt that i hate more than anything else in the world, i must also hate the person who reminds me of it. So while my conscious mind is filled with thoughts of love, my unconscious mind is filled with thoughts of hate. I must hate the person who continually stand as the symbol for what I hate in myself. This is why psychologists talk and teach that dependency breeds contempt: we will always hate those people whom we’re dependent on, because they’re the people who remind us of what we find so contemptible in ourselves. This is a very important line in that same section “The two pictures” that says “Defenses do what they would defend”. What this means, is that the purpose that we establish defenses and seek after them, is to protect us from what we’re so afraid of. And of course what we’re so afraid of is getting to close to our guilt. So the purpose of a defense is to protect, from what we’re afraid of, yet the very fact that i have to have a defense, the very fact that i invest so much time and energy and worry about a defense and then sustaining that defense, is teaching me, that there is indeed something inside of me that i should be afraid of. Because if there weren’t all that guilt there, then I wouldn’t need a defense, so the very fact that i need a defense is because there is guilt there. Which means, that on the one level defenses seek to protect ourselves from what we’re afraid of, on a deeper level they merely reinforce it, because they reinforce the idea, that there is something we should be afraid of. So that what that statement means - “Defenses do what they defend”. So the very person that i choose to be the defense against my guilt, now becomes the very person who reinforces it. Now that’s not what the ego tells us, but that’s what happens.

OK, so the second way now we could see, why special love is this thin veil drawn over special hate, is to look at what happens when the honeymoon period ends. Now the honeymoon period of a relationship is that period when everything goes great. I meet your need and you meet my need and everything is wonderful. Now, again, what’s wonderful is that we have both made this bargain, sealed in blood, that I will protect you from your guilt and you protect me from my guilt. And as an image let’s think of a closed door in a room. And stuck in the closed, is all this guilt that we hate in ourselves. And the whole idea is to keep the guilt buried in the closet. The special love partner becomes the door on the closet. As long as you do what I need you to do, then I feel good about myself, which means that my guilt just kind of falls somewhere on the bottom of the floor in the closet. And then the door stays shut tightly. And that is the honeymoon period, when I am your door and you’re my door and they’re sealed shut and our guilt just lays at the bottom of our conscious mind, which is unconscious. But, when at some point the honeymoon begins to end and you no longer meet my need, as i have set it up, then the door of this closet begins to open, and now we got trouble. Let’s take as an example, that they way that i would know that you love me, which is the way that i would know, that I’m a worthwhile person, which means that’s the way that i would know that I’m not this guilty, sinful person i believe i am, is that you would call me on the telephone ten times a day. If you call me ten times a day, then this proofs to me, that I’m not who i really think i am. You could fill in your favorite special love bargain. So the honeymoon period is when this goes fine. But now, let’s say that you wake up one morning and you decide that you’ve had enough of this or you run out of coins to call, and you say I’m not gonna call you ten times a day, I’m gonna call you five times a day. Now the ego’s version of love is quantitative, everything gets measured very carefully, so if you only call me five times a day, then it means you love me 50% less. Which means that i’m only now 50% worthy of love, which means that 50% of my guilt now begins rising up, which means that the door of my closet starts opening and this little guilt starts sneaking out, 50% of it. Now once the door starts to open and the defense starts to slip and I become a little more aware of this guilt, which is the thing in the world that i’ve been running away from all my life, i will now become very anxious because I have taught that behind this guilt is this wrathful god who will destroy me, and i would rather confront anything else in the world, except that. The only goal that i have now in my world, is to somehow get that door shut again, so that i don’t have to deal with what i really believe about myself so i could continue to convince myself i really am a good person, and now the only way i could do that, is to somehow manipulate you, so that you realize the errors of your ways and you go back to calling me ten times a day. Now we all know, that the best way to get anybody to do anything, even if they don’t want to do it, is to make them guilty. Guilt is the great motivator of this world. If there’s ever anything that you want somebody to do, who doesn’t want to do it, just make them guilty. So now, that’s what I choose to do with you. In my eyes you’re the greatest sinner in the world, and now i’m going to let you know it and in the back of my mind is the hope that you fall for my game, and you feel so guilty that you go back doing what you did. [ … jewish mother syndrome … ] So, basically, what i now say to you is something to the effect as “What happened to you? You used to be such a wonderful, kind, selfless, sensitive, considerate, compassionate, holy person, etc etc. And now look at you, you miserable bum, you don’t care about anybody but yourself, you preoccupied with your self-interest, your insensitive, your dishonest, you uncompassionate, you don’t keep your bargains, i can’t trust you, you’re unfaithful, etc etc.” And what is in back of this long tirade, is somehow the hope that you’ll get so guilty and say “I’m so terribly sorry for what I did. I go back to calling you ten times, in fact i owe you five calls, so i call you 15 times. Please don’t get angry with me, because I can’t deal with my own guilt. And if it works, then the door closes back, my guilt falls back to the bottom of my mind, falls to the bottom of the closet and everything is fine again. But let’s say that you don’t play this game with me anymore and you gotten good and fed up and now no longer will you call me five times a day, you don’t call me at all. At which point the entire cover is blown, the door flies open, i’m exposed with this terrible guilt and i’m frantic. Now i really have it with both barrels, because now I see that there is probably nothing more I could do. And so now i say things like “You’ve ruined my whole life. You destroyed me and i’m gonna kill myself. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t hold down a job. I spent all my time running to the bathroom, because i’m so anxious, i can’t anything.” And on and on, so you feel guilty, that you come back, but now it’s a hopeless cause and so now I have no recourse, but to throw you away and find somebody else, who could be my closet door. This is where the course says of the ego that “another can be found”. And this is where the ego embarks on an endless and unrewarding chain of special relationships. “If you will no longer serve my needs, then I no longer care about you. My love has now turned to hate, which it was anyway. And now I find somebody else, who i could play this special love relationship game with.” And of course that will work for a while and then something else has to come along. This is the most devastating part of our existence. I think it can safely be called “THE problem of the world”. It’s why the course says of the special relationship that it is the home of guilt. It’s whole purpose is to reinforce guilt; to make guilt real; to continually attack. And what all this does is make the entire ego system still stronger. Whenever we seek to use anybody to meet our need, which means we’re not concerned with who they are, but merely for what they can do for us, this constitutes an attack, because we are not seeing as god created them, we are not seeing them as Christ, we are seeing them as an ego. “What can your ego do for me?” And whenever we see somebody as an ego, of course we’re attacking them, just as we attacked god, way back when. So all specialness is this way of denying the reality of who we both are, who you are and who i am, and this just reinforces the basic problem that began this whole process of seeing ourself as an ego. And again we just keep spinning our wheels around and around and around. Now there’s nobody who avoids this in this world and if you think you do, then you’re really not being honest with yourself. This is THE dynamic of the ego, the most powerful, and in a sense the culmination of the ego’s system and it’s something that we all share. The purpose of the course is not to make us feel guilty about it, but to show us, what it is that we have established as reality. The course says of the ego, that its goal is always murder and it means this very literally. The culmination of the special relationship is to destroy the other person, because we believe that we’re destroyed.