2024

Three years later.

I am a big movie-watcher now. Sucks that I don’t read as much as I used to.

There has been one disaster though, one in which I rewound and wondered whether queerness was real while I was staying up at night looking for queer stories so I could feel less lonely. This disaster—like the depression—has definitely affected my brain’s development.

Last night, I needed to feel something, anything, so I put on Somebody Somewhere, a show that has made a huge difference to me. Despite having watched it multiple times, it was only yesterday that I realized how much I love Tim Bagley’s Brad in S2. He is gay and a little old, he sings and teaches, he goes to church. He talks slow, and he can be weird. I love him so much. Yesterday, I cried watching the park scene where Joel confesses he enjoys Brad’s company even though I have never cried at this scene before.

That scene is a miracle. Brad’s surprise and joy, and his chef’s kiss of a joke at the end of their conversation. Since last night, I have watched all the scenes of Brad and Joel multiple times, trying to figure out what it is that moves me—their queerness, or age, or joy, or possibility?

Bridget Everett, Murray Hill, Jeff Hiller, Tim Bagley—if any of you come across this post, please know that your show has touched the hearts of people in places whose names you haven’t even heard of! I hope to write more about the show for sure, but for now, I want to thank you for creating Sam and Joel’s friendship, and for the scene with Fred Rococo and Ed in the farm in S1, and of course for Joel and Brad’s amazing relationship, which I cannot wait to see more of. 

There were a few weeks where I really struggled to sympathize with Sam blocking Joel out. It is crazy that it took me this long to realize that I had been in a very similar position, which had back then driven me to hurt myself. I guess I have more in common with Sam than I allow myself to think. Like Sam, I desperately need to find community.